'The majority of the dead shoppers had just got into the IKEA entrance when the alarm sounded, forcing them into a 45 minute tour of the premises which sadly cost them their lives,' said a Croydon fire service spokesman. 'There was nothing anyone could have done to save them'.
Despite the blaze - which reached 600 degrees centigrade - taking hold of the Swedish furniture warehouse within seconds, the IKEA layout still managed to persuade many to keep perusing; 100 of the 130 victims were found with a packet of scented tea lights, a set of pillow cases and a Malmosk.
One of the survivors, 25 year old Justin Mitt told reporters the harrowing story of how he had managed to escape by skipping the children's bedroom section and going straight from tupperware to shelving.
'I missed all of the Ryktig Olgas, Tykwitsxs and Gronkullas and I didn't even get a chance to pick up a hot dog,' wept Mitt. 'But I managed to get some tea lights and a free pencil, which is some consolation'.