A period of “eternal darkness” is “more than likely”, according to Centrica, the company that delivers most of the UK’s gas, electricity, water and air. Its chief executive Mike Smythe says if Labour’s plans to freeze the cost of fuel goes ahead, the result could be darkness forever more, the freezing over of Britain’s lakes and reservoirs, and a never ending period of pestilence, disease, war destruction and death, as well as a knock-on increase in house and car insurance costs.
“What Labour doesn’t seem to realise is we are facing an increasing level of costs,” Smythe told a press conference. “Our shareholders continue to demand greater profits, increased levels of luxury foods, cars and houses and attractive professional sexual partners. All this comes at a cost. Unless these real demands can be met, it means nothing short of fuel-related Armageddon, if Labour fulfils its socialist-inspired pledges.”
Mr Smythe warned that with Centrica due to be awarded contracts for the supply of air to the United Kingdom, oxygen supplies could also be under threat by a Labour price freeze, with the elderly and ill most at risk. “Imagine a world in which Mr Milliband has personally cut off air supplies to your father or grandfather, in the name of party politics,” he said. And he hit out at people “hoarding ” air ahead of a stock market flotation, likely to earn billions to early investors.
“People who have stock piled air in li-los, bicycle tyres, party balloons and inflatable women are acting “irresponsibly”, Mr Smythe said and suggested people should breathe slightly more deeply till a “fair air” price can be arrived at.
Meanwhile, David Cameron has denied suggestions that if the Conservatives are re-elected, the English Language could be privatised, the likely buyers being media giants like Pearson or NewsCorp. “Yes we have circulated very experimental policy documents related to a restructuring of the ownership of some English words, but the scheme is at a “hypothetical” stage,” Mr Cameron said. He conceded his policy experts have considered an imaginary scenario in which “adjectives alone” might go into private ownership. “This would mean people would choose carefully about how much emphasis they would use in writing and speech and lead to a slimmed-down language which could generate both profit and tax revenue by who wanted to communicate more colourfully,” the Prime Minister told back benchers.
But Mr Cameron said he was considering a pledge to make sure that nouns would be “safe in public hands.”