Environmental campaigners are warning of the danger of a “Frankenstein electorate”, as sensational rumours spread that the Labour Party is secretly developing a new breed of citizen who will vote them back into power in perpetuity.
Dr Jeremy Farrar, of the University of East Anglia, claims to have proved the effectiveness of the GM solution.
“Obviously, it would be unethical to experiment on live politicians and voters”, he concedes. “However, I've reproduced a model of an election in my laboratory, using rats as parliamentary candidates and fruit-flies as constituents. It clearly shows that, if carefully handled, DNA modification of the flies will keep them voting the same rat back into office, election after election.”.
Although Labour insiders privately concede that it would take a “major scientific breakthrough” to make anyone take Ed Miliband seriously in the foreseeable future, they continue to distance themselves from the GM option in public.“We will never deviate from the honest practice of winning over the people of Britain by the strength of our policies alone”, insists party spokesman Simon Goddard.
Party officials hotly deny rumours of genetically modified voters being let loose in the environment. But lurid stories continue to circulate about a strange man in Bristol who can sit through a Miliband speech without losing the will to live, and believes “Ed Balls makes a lot of sense, actually”. However, his family insist this is merely the result of a lobotomy he had in 1979.