Ed Miliband today promised to pass emergency legislation that would place fat cats under house arrest. In his keynote speech to conference, the firebrand labour leader spoke movingly of the wasted years when fat cats roamed our streets, mutilating innocent birds and shitting in everyone's back garden other than their own. Over a hundred paid-up Twitter activists immediately echoed his strong-arm stance.
“Don't get me wrong,” he said, as he promised to create a million new nests by 2020. “Confirm this with the wife and you'll learn I've always been occasionally interested in pussies. But I prefer wild birds. Fledglings and little hedge sparrows who seek nothing more out of life than to get on and build their own nest - or even council flat. Which they simply can't do when the fat cats are around.
He then told delegates that fat cats were shiny-eyed, paranoid schizophrenic psychopaths whose angelic looks disguised the cold heart of a monster. “Filthy rich suburban cat-owners, all those earning more than £60k per annum, these are the ones to blame,” he shrieked to howls of applause.
Miliband then drew a graphic picture of domestic life in a £2m mansion when the fat cat sneaks through the flap for a stroll. “Nipped out to stretch his legs and check his territory,” says the typical wife of a banker. “And when Felix returns an hour later carrying a dead blackbird or a field mouse, she smiles even wider, gives him a stroke and says, You naughty little boy, bringing mummy another little present. Bad puss. Here, have a slice of smoked salmon.”
“But would these fat-cat cat owners entertain a human serial killer in their house,” Miliband shouted. “Feed him tasty titbits? Let him come and go as he pleased, to snatch a life for no other purpose than he felt like it? Like hell they would! “Cats are cats,” they would howl back at me. Therefore you must accept that sometimes a cat's gotta do what a cat's gotta do.”
“And I'd have to agree with them,” he whispered. Yes, they're right. Of course a cat doesn't know any better than to kill. Neither did Ian Brady.”
Warming to his theme, Miliband pledged the next Labour government would force cat owners to keep their cats locked-up indoors. Day and night. Collars with bells will be hit by a new stealth tax for cats and all cat flaps will be metered by law and charged a £25 toll each time they're used.
After which, loyal shadow chancellor Ed Balls re-tweeted - “Only then will our cat-free sceptred islands of Great Britain become a bird sanctuary fit to live in."