The technology world was rocked today when Apple announced that it had secured Steve Jobs to provide “Siri” answers from beyond the grave.
In an unprecedented move the Cupertino giant said, “Obviously we have always been close to Steve since his untimely and sad passing. However his spiritual journey is not yet complete and he feels his entrance to transcendental enlightenment is not yet close. Due to the omnipresent nature of his situation in the afterlife he will be able to seamlessly multitask and answer all of life’s small, and sometimes, big problems.”
Apple demonstrated the groundbreaking technology by asking Jobs the Apple share price to which he replied, “Not as good as when I was boss!” to much hilarity in the room. He followed with, “but seriously folks it’s $491.51, up 80 cents since this morning’s close.” A gasp was followed by a rapturous round of applause.
Many shouted questions came from the massed journalists which Jobs responded to from the mounted iPhone 5s. He answered everything before pausing on the question, “What is the afterlife like?” There was a long silence after which Jobs spluttered, “The Afterlife? Am I Dead? It's dark here. Wait…..” before executives hurriedly cut the presentation short by flicking to a video of Jonny Ive gleefully urinating onto picture of Steve Ballmer shouting “BYE BYE FAT MAN BYE BYE”.