In an unexpectedly violent move, Ed Miliband has vowed to silence critics once and for all by guaranteeing, during the election run-up, a knife fight with his brother ‘to the death’.
Mr (Ed) Miliband said this morning, “Labour will give the people what they want and they will answer the questions the working family are asking, namely: ‘Who would win in a knife fight between my brother and I?’”. He continued, “I am here to tell you today…no to promise to you…there will be a knife fight to the death in the run up to the election. The winner, namely me, will lead Labour to back to power that very year.”
Whereas critics have openly welcomed the move, they question the fact that the working family are indeed asking this question as the polls seem to point to the Economy and Employment as the electorate’s biggest worries. However, Mr (Ed) Milliband was adamant that this policy decision be the cornerstone of his burgeoning election promises. David Miliband was asked for comment at his New York place of work earlier. He responded by suddenly pulling a throwing knife from his Austin Reed blazer, throwing it into a nearby filing cabinet and grunting, barely audibly, the words, “Bring it”.
The Conservative Party have responded by guaranteeing a ‘Women in Love’ style naked wrestling contest between David Cameron, Nick Clegg and William Hague. My Hague was especially delighted at the prospect.