Ed Miliband has asked dissident Irish republican groups for their help in making his conference more newsworthy courtesy of some kind of terrorist atrocity, it has emerged. The Labour leader is known to have selected Brighton for the conference venue based on the fact that IRA members know the town pretty well and any street maps used in the eighties will still be valid today.
The would-be PM has even gone as far as to book the same hotel and the same room that Mrs Thatcher stayed in, but with added soundproofing. And sources claim the Labour frontman has pulled off a shrewd political move in hiring fiasco merchants G4S to provide security for the event.
‘Ed’s been going around asking people to leave fire doors open, blaming the air conditioning in his room,’ said Shadow Foreign Secretary Douglas Alexander. ‘He has also banned sniffer dogs from the premises claiming he suffers from a fur allergy.’
Miliband hopes to provoke the IRA into swift action using his conference speech, an extract from which reads: ‘Friends, we are gathered here today not just to offer support to hardworking families, but to remember the towering achievements of Oliver Cromwell’s Irish campaign. He hopes to follow this up by saying something nasty about Martin McGuiness, The Edge and/or Dana.Meanwhile the Labour boss has notified potential terrorists that he will be working on his conference speech until around 2am in an effort to avoid the worst of any explosions they might happen to carry out.
‘By appearing phoenix-like from the ashes of the Grand Hotel the next day and insisting that conference goes ahead, Ed hopes the British people will trust him once more with the economy,’ Alexander added. ‘The added bonus is that any ‘collateral damage’ will allow him to adopt the mantle of messiah and reshuffle his shadow cabinet.’
Political analyst Cathy Newman said ‘This is a huge political gamble, the success of which hinges on whether the British public is ready for the spectacle of Ed Balls being carried out of the hotel in his pyjamas.’