Hen parties, tree-bound felines and infernos throughout the UK have been put at risk by the paucity of ‘fit’ fire-fighters. Those in active service are expected to pass strident examinations in ‘oxygen consumption’, ‘body waxing’ and use of ‘double entendre’. Not only have 10% of the UK’s fire service recently failed an exercise test, but most have displayed allergies to baby oil, thongs and Velcro.
The Scottish Fire and Rescue Service (SFRS) (whose motto is ‘teaze not sleaze’) is one of the worst offenders for ‘fitness’; trying to substitute high-class party entertainment with novelty gorilla-grams, topless waiters and one petulant dwarf in a kilt. One disappointed bride said: ‘We called 999 in response to bonfire getting out of control. When the crew arrived they made no attempt to extinguish the flames, remove their clothing or rub their genitals on my face’.
The Chief Fire Officers Association has promised to introduce a nationwide fitness standard which will include ‘weight training’, ‘whipped cream guzzling’ and ‘gyrating’ for an hour to ‘It’s Raining Men’. Fire-fighters have long used part-time work to supplement their income and stripping is the easiest way to pay your way through college. An SFRS spokesman said: ‘If our members want to continue to show their members, they need to buff up. Public safety can only be guaranteed if we quickly tackle fires and fire our tackle quickly. We need to return to our proud roots as sensuous, well-built strippers with an intimidatingly large hose’.