Following the announced plan to ban smoking from prisons, senior officials are now calling for soap dispensers to be placed in prison showers.
"The inmates will be stressed enough without their cigarettes" said Bob Hastings of the Prison Governors Committee.
"Last thing we need is for tensions to be further escalated within the bastions of personal hygiene facilities. We might even look into filling said dispensers with lavender scented shower gel as opposed to soap, for its well renowned aromatherapy properties. Not to mention that soap can lead to dry skin" He continued.
"I know it has always been a joke about soap in the showers in prisons, but seriously, it is an issue! Have you ever tried holding a bar of soap in the shower? It's very slippy and simply a nightmare to keep hold of! It's frustrating, and we are getting several complaints from prisoners who don't like getting soap stuck under their well manicured nails when they try to pick it up"
"Only last week, we had a prisoner in tears because his fellow inmates had teased him for his inability to keep hold of the soap, calling him names such as 'Butterfingers', 'Soap Dropper' and so forth".
"We did try issuing him with a soap on a rope, but bless, he got a rope burn from it in quite a sensitive area. Not sure how, but hey, in fairness, it is his and he can wash it as fast as he likes!"
Hat tip to Family Guy, by the way