All channels today released their exciting festive lineups of innovative and imaginative programmes for this coming Christmas Day.
The BBC schedule is:
Early morning - 3.00 pm: Antiques In The Countryside Kitchen, presented by whoever needed the money the most. Recorded the previous June with sweaty contestants trying to pretend it's Christmas.
3.00 - 3.10: The Queen
3.10 - 6.00: The Great Escape, and Willy Wonka if we need to fill up time
6.00 - 7.00 - Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Christmas Special. Will feature all the Doctors at the same time, fighting all the Doctors' enemies simultaneously. No-one will understand a single word of it, and will be completely unable to even hint at the plot, but the fan sites will hail it as the greatest episode ever.
7:00 - late: Repeats of Christmas programmes from other years, including Morecombe and Wise, and Strictly Come Dancing pre-recorded while Bruce was still alive.
ITV's offering is:
Early morning - 3.00: No idea, we never watch it
3.00 - 3.10: The Queen
3.10 - 4.00: Coronation Street special - likely to be a monologue by the floor manager, with the entire cast under arrest.
4.00 - late: The usual rubbish, but with snow. Also includes an X Factor Christmas Special, by which time you need to be totally hammered on Christmas gin. This programme will be used to extract confessions from hardened terrorists in Guantanamo Bay.
The Great British Bake Off, with Paul Hollywood getting as much crumpet as he can lay his hands on.
Will not refer to Christmas at all. If pushed, may briefly mention Winterval, Diwali or anything else which isn't Christian or Jewish.
4.00 - 4.30: The Alternative Queen's Speech, with a homosexual so that they can drive home (oo-er missus) the point (oo-er missus) that 'queen' can refer to Her Majesty The Queen or her majesty Elton John.
4.30 - late: Channel 4 news with Jon SNOW (gedditt??!!)
Early to late: Let Me Out Of Here, I'm Big Brother's Celebrity Christmas, featuring Z list non-entities who will do literally anything for money.
A 24-hour loop of the QI Christmas Special
Top of the Pops Christmas Special compilation. Jimmy Savile and Dave Lee Travis introduce festive hits from Gary Glitter, Jonathan King, Michael Jackson, The Bay City Rollers and Rolf Harris.
Runs concurrently with Crimewatch.
Get the crates of special brew in now!!