With the tenth series of XFactor now underway, a shocking new report has revealed the true extent of the impact that the show has had on the NHS. The damning report, issued by the National Institute of Accidents, details the reasons why the country's A&E departments are so crammed full of the show's 'casualties'.
"Almost every case involves emotional trauma," said Reginald Tucker, head of the institute. "At 16, having your 'lifelong' dream of becoming an instant-global-superstar-singer blown out of the water by an unsympathetic Gary Barlow, can be a very painful experience indeed, and naturally when you've a broken body part, where do you go?" he asked.
But it's not only those with shattered dreams that are turning to the accident centres, with a quarter of those admitted since the show's inception in 2004, suffering severely bruised egos.
Jason Mumsboy, a young hairdresser from London, was one of last year’s failed auditionees who ended up in Guy's hospital with his self-pride in tatters, after the judges gave a particularly truthful critique of his version of Lady Gaga's Pokerface. "It was awful, I thought I was going to die," he said camply, before adding, "and that Gary is right bitch too."
However, psychological injuries only account for part of the surge in emergency treatment. According to the stats, physical harm is also to blame, as last year alone saw over 3000 unsuccessful contenders rushed to hospital with bad haircuts and a dodgy makeovers.
"Saturday nights used to see casualty departments 'mopping the floor' and 'pumping the stomachs' of Britain's tanked-up binge drinkers" said Marwal Singh of the NHS action committee, "These days we're bandaging wounded pride, removing fake tattoos and glam mascara, while all the time having to endure the wails of delusional halfwits trying to persuade us they really can sing. We're just not equipped to cater to these type of patients," she moaned.
Most surprising of all the statistics however, is the alarming rise in premature rejectulation, whereby wannabe starlets who play up to the cameras in the audition queues, peak too early, only to be given the bad news before even entering the building. "This can be extremely crushing," said Mr. Tucker, "particularly for those pregnant with their own egos."
The report closes by laying the blame solely at the feet of XFactor's very own mega-ego, Simon Cowell, and says that the show should come with a public health warning. Words to the effect; Entering this competition can seriously damage your pride. Should you enter and get rejected however, you can always try for The Voice.