Never scared to tackle the fundamental, pivotal issues like the 5p charge on carrier bags and free bus travel for schoolchildren, Nick Clegg is using this year’s conference to go deep down into the matters that really affect people’s lives.
He said yesterday, “The other parties shilly-shally around with peripheral concerns like Syria and economic stuff, but we, as Liberal Democrats should not be afraid to tackle the things that will really make a difference to the society we live in. I know we’re going to raise a few hackles, but if we can’t make a stand on things like this, what is the point of our party?”
Donning his hard hat, Mr Clegg listed some of the policies to be announced at conference this week, including:
• People who play loud music on their phones to be fined 2p each
• All stray cats to be given a free bell.
• All branding to be removed from shampoo bottles, and replaced with shocking photos of what can happen if it gets in your eyes.
• People who wear glasses to be given free little cords in case they lose them.
• The letter ‘W’ to be worth 6 points in scrabble, as it’s harder than you think to use when the board is nearly full.
• All dogs to be given a biscuit if they sit when you ask them to.
• Bananaskins to be made less slippy.
• The Prime Minister to be given a Mars bar every time he gets a question right at Prime Minister’s Questions.
• The ‘boot’ piece to be taken out of Monopoly sets, because nobody wants to be the boot, and replaced with, say, a nice Manolo Blahnik.
• All pre-packed sandwiches to be cut crossways rather than triangular because they look better.
• Vince Cable to be employed as a lollipop man at accident blackspots.