For those parents concerned about catchment areas, wraparound care and the cost of uniforms, Manford Primary School may have the answer. By encouraging staff to give birth in the classroom, Education Minister Elizabeth Truss hopes to counter ‘wrong-headed’ liberals who think that children should start formal schooling at seven, wear clothes or be ‘exposed to sunlight’.
Mrs. Krish-Veeramany, 30, who gave birth to her son Jonah in a classroom has been heralded as providing a ‘boarding school experience but within State facilities’. A spokesman for the Secretary of State, Michael Gove, warned: ‘A child born in China today will be able to calculate complex algorithms, recite Mao’s ‘Little Red Book’ and manufacture an iPhone5 all by the age of two. By putting British children straight into the education system while still attached to the umbilical cord, we expect them to swiftly master personal loan calculations, quotes from LyntonCrosby and if they learn to sew the odd pair of trainers with their teeth, so much the better!’
Lib Dem minister David Laws has issued new guidance supporting parents’ choice to cut costs by keeping their child naked. A spokesman said: ‘Allowing your she/he-wolf to be raised in a safe schooling environment rather than the home, will provide important key skills vital to future employers. Your feral offspring will be able to roam the school library throughout the night, forage for sustenance and nest in the suspended ceiling. Not only will parents be saved the cost of uniforms but school meals will be substantially cheaper, once the ‘rat-child’ has learnt to survive on a diet of crayons, pritstick and carpet tiles. After all, most working class children are normally raised on a vitamin deficient diet of lard, coal and lottery ticket stubs’.
For those parents who would prefer a ‘faith based’ curriculum, they will be pleased to see groups of children developing their own rudimentary pantheon based on the paganistic worship of a drinks fountain, a whiteboard rubber and a discarded gym sock. After-school clubs will involve violin, scavenging and huddling for warmth. Students who wish to progress to secondary school will need to pass an 11-plus style exam and overcome their natural suspicion of trees, soap and large open spaces.
Parents at the Chigwell school will still have regular visitation access to their children at termly parents’ evenings and the issue of school holidays will be resolved by encouraging children to hibernate in the janitor’s cupboard. A DfE spokesman said: ‘We are looking at the emergence of a truly independent learner. Not having children at home will allow many parents the flexibility to downsize their properties to avoid the bedroom tax and pursue their dream of a seven day week of minimum wages on zero hour contracts’.