Two snooker players were today banned from the game for life after evidence emerged that they had conspired to make their match interesting.
The head of The World Snoozer Federation, Barry Lynton, said: 'We have taken disciplinary action against Stephen "The Bore from Saddlemore" Dee and Stephen "Don't wake me up from Sidcup" Mee, after we found overwhelming evidence that they had been paid a considerable amount of money by a mysterious gang, known only as The Audience, to make their recent match interesting.
'We were first made aware of this situation when we had complaints from viewers that they were unable to sleep through a match which was being broadcast at 10.30 pm. Having watched a recording of it, we found our attention rivetted by the clever play, the unusual tactics and the unexpected twists and turns in the match. We therefore have no choice but to ban these played from playing snooker for the rest of their lives.'
A spokesman for the players, Stephen 'The Doze from Montrose' Tee, said: 'Wake me up when it's all over.'