King's speech to feature unprecedented honesty
Panic is rising in Westminster as it has become clear that the forthcoming King's speech will break with tradition and tell it how it is. The monarch is normally expected to read out a text which has been agreed beforehand by civil servants and the royal staff. But this year Charles has let it be known that he wants to deliver a more truthful assessment of the state of politics in his Kingdom. A leaked excerpt from the speech reads: 'I wish to apologise to you, my subjects, t
A dark defection
-There was widespread shock and disbelief today as Satan announced that he was defecting from Hell. 'I know Hades has been the traditional Opposition to Heaven since time immemorial, but I didn’t really believe that our policies went far enough, and it felt like we were never going to get into power,” said the notorious fallen angel. “Essentially we were just a rag-tag band of outrageous musicians, defrocked priests and ex-TV presenters,' continued the Dark Lord. 'It didn’t
Activists hack online text-based applications, replacing the word ‘Trump’ with ‘Fart’
The internet was briefly plunged into chaos earlier today after an anonymous group of activists successfully hacked online text-based applications worldwide, causing every instance of the word ‘Trump’ to be automatically replaced with the word ‘Fart’. The edit came with an added flourish: a thunderous farting sound blasting from phones, laptops, e-readers, and even office printers. The hack spared no one - social media posts, news articles, legal briefs and even children’s ho
Official Russian death toll in Ukraine rises to three
The Russian defence ministry has dismissed 'outrageous claims' from the Centre for Strategic Studies that the Russian army has lost 1.2 million troops in the special military operation in Ukraine. A spokesman confirmed, 'Only three Russian soldiers have died, and in each case it was their own fault. One other soldier has injured his leg after slipping in some mud, in a trap set up by saboteurs. Beyond that, everything continues to go very well indeed. As you Yankees say, we
Man in shock after his conservatory defects to Reform
“I can’t believe it,” said Terry Marsden, a 44-year-old wellness plasterer from Dagenham. “I came downstairs this morning and made myself the first cuppa of the day in the kitchen. I opened up the bifolds to the conservatory, sat down with the paper, and realised there was no roof. Worse than that, it was tanking down with rain. I looked up and realised the conservatory had completely gone — and I mean completely. All 4.0 x 5.5 m of it, including the responsibly sourced timbe
The ICE Barbie School of Creative Excuses
Can't think up a good excuse for missing work a second day running? Or for rolling home drunk on your anniversary without a gift for your wife and with lipstick on your collar? You need to sign up at the ICE Barbie School of Creative Excuses. This is the woman who stunned the world by saying that Minnesota mum Renee Good, who was shot by ICE agents while driving away in her car, was a domestic terrorist trying to run them over. ICE Barbie, aka Kristi Noem, then went one bette
Trumpton to rededicate its highest honour to Donald Trump
The Tumptonshire mayor's office today confirmed it is taking back its highest honour, The Camberwick Shield, recently awarded for services to the village of Camberwick Green to the ever popular flour grinder, Windy Miller. The shield will then be rededicated to President Donald J Trump. Speaking on the Trumpton Today Programme the mayor said: 'It is only right and proper we should give this honour to President Trump for his great contribution to the twenty-first century. No o
It’s one all in ICE verses CBP in the worst possible contest
Both teams are hoping to finish top in the Homeland Security competition. The Customs and Border Protection are the underdogs and the lesser known of the two. They just equalised in dramatic fashion with a scrappy group effort that was completely undeserved. It looked fairly chaotic and many shots were made, mostly on target at close range. There was initially a misunderstanding over social media if ICE had got another one, but it was clarified that this time it was the Borde
The Tory Party rebrands as a leper colony
Following a spate of high-level defections to Reform, a senior Conservative frontbencher has said that desperate times call for desperate measures. “At this rate, we’ll have no one left. We're not exactly falling apart but everyone hates us, and we’ve become a complete irrelevance in the political landscape.” He confirmed the bold rebrand from political party to leper colony after external polling showed that 76% of voters were not crossing the road fast enough whenever they
Farage spotted coming out of disguise shop
Nigel Farage is understood to have bought the entire stock of a London disguise shop for his new MPs. He couldn’t do it online as he doesn’t know how to use computers. That’s what he told the Standards Committee, anyway. ‘He’s bought a blonde wig for Suella’, a spokesman told us. ‘Bold choice. The voters will never remember she used to be a Tory. Robert Jenrick will dress up as the Childcatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It’s a despised role, but still better than being Ro
