David Cameron was today reeling following the publication of a survey which found that women voters consider him to be the most “out of touch” party leader. A whopping 46% of women have come to distrust him in the three years since he became prime minister.
Downing Street arranged a conference call with the Kremlin earlier this morning. A spokesman said, “Dave’s really cut up about this. I’ve told him to calm down and that I can fully understand why he feels frustrated, but there’s no talking to him. So we arranged for him to have a chat with Vlad. Now there’s a guy with lady appeal”.
Suggestions from the Russian President are said to include taking up a martial art, riding a motorbike, swimming in freezing cold rivers and wrestling with wild animals. He also suggested manly photo opportunities which should be undertaken topless.
The spokesman continued, “We’re so close. Dave already supports Villa, rides a bike and has been photographed without his polo shirt on a beach in Cornwall. Our real problem is that he’s so undeniably English. But we’ve got a few ideas to work on now which have been passed to the PR department”.
Nick Clegg, branded a “snake in the grass” in the same survey, was this afternoon unavailable to comment.