Despite being 50% deceased, the popular beat-combo is set for a surprising comeback. The BBC has agreed to issue a compilation of previously unreleased songs by the Fab Four in reaction to evidence that all music since 1970 is "not worth a tinkers dam".
Scientists were horrified to discover that hearing loss in the under-30s had rendered the chromatic scale into the sound of a goldfish tank being hit with a polo mallet. Subsequently most music is now purchased on the basis of primary colours, piercings and the depth of Katy Perry’s cleavage. Music executives were particularly disheartened, early this year, when a baby crying in response to an electric drill was mistakenly downloaded as One Direction’s new album.
One executive said: ‘It doesn’t help that the nominees for this year's Mobo Awards include an insipid album by David Bowie, an angle grinder and dubstep version of nails on a blackboard. Career-wise being dead for forty three years is probably the best option if you wanted to avoid being sucked into this techno-gangsta-nu-metal cacophony. We’ve basically had one twerk too many’. Sir Paul McCartney has not said if he will agree to write any new material under The Beatles name, but already a recording of Ringo Starr repeatedly hitting the brakes on his bicycle has ousted The Babyshambles from the album Top Ten.