From the beginning of October, insurance companies will insist on all car drivers submitting a risk report of their journey before they set off.
A spokeswoman for the body which represents car insurance companies, the Society of Honest Insurance Takers, said: 'In view of the pile up in Kent the other day, and the fact that more journeys will be undertaken in the fog and dark, we feel this is the best solution for us, so that we won't have to pay out ever again. Oh, did I say that out loud?'
Under the new system, drivers will have to submit a risk assessment covering every aspect of their journey. A 30-point assessment of their vehicle by a qualified mechanic will have to be conducted. The driver will then have to submit details of their route, including any other cars that might be on the road at the same time, all corners, hills, junctions, traffic lights and unknown hazards.
'If someone has an accident and hasn't included the cause in their risk assessment, we won't pay out,' said the spokeswoman. 'We will also want a detailed weather forecast from the Met Office for every part of each journey, and if they encounter conditions which haven't been forecast, we won't pay out.
'We are making the process as easy as possible,' she continued. 'For us, of course. All risk assessments will have to be submitted in triplicate, and hand-written on hand-made vellum by a qualified stenographer using a Mont Blanc pen and ink from a squid.
'Each risk assessment will be inspected by a team of ten, all of whom live in different parts of the country. They will then comunicate their decision by morse code.
'Because of this, we will reluctantly have to increase premiums so much it will make Wonga's rates look like charitable giving.'
When asked whether this would apply to emergency vehicles as well, the spokeswoman said: 'Of course it will! Everyone will burn and die!! And of course, we won't pay out on any of their worthless insurance policies!'