TECH RUMORS OF BALLS WEIGHT SENSOR HAS SOME WORRIED THIEVES WILL RESORT TO CASTRATION
CUPERTINO–TechCrunch today released leaked Chinese factory photos of a small weight sensor to be placed under the glass plate of the iPhone 6 for the purpose of handsfree password authentication.
"The sensor turns the iPhone into essentially a digital pocket scale that measures the exact weight of the owner's balls to grant access into password protected adult pay-sites," TechCrunch reports. "Released data shows login times 4x faster. This is a new benchmark for the industry."
Before Apple acquired AuthenTec last year to develop the fingerprint sensor, a company spokesman announced at the 2012 Launch Tech conference, "we are consulting different adult pay-sites on technology that deals with the issue of customers forgetting their passwords because they're too horny."
Some are surprised that Apple, a top ten ranked Fortune 500 Company, would be the ones to first release the technology. But a business analyst at CNET reports, "No matter what others want to say about maps, music, or book apps, Adult Industry is still king and owns the e-commernce market."
But others, like the non-profit, WatchYourBalls, are worried about the new technology, "Stealing iPhones is huge in the black market, and thieves will think nothing less of castrating a victim to gain access to pricey adult sites," said non-profit founder Buster Gonad. Castration has been a practice reserved for opera sopranos and going as far back as the Qin Dynasty for Chinese eunuchs, but would thieves go this far?
"Kidnappers, eccentric painters, third-word law enforcement, all already know the power of a well removed human appendage, and the possibility of the worlds most popular smart phone inviting yet another way for this practice is very terrifying," Gonad commented.
"Besides added convenience for iPhone users, getting in bed with the Adult Industry is a really smart move on Apple's part," the business analyst at CNET contends. "Adult Industry has been dealing with how to give paying customers added perks to deal with the competition of so much free content out there. Now, because of Apple, Adult sites can truly give customers a finger and hands-free experience."