In an unprecedented act of unilateralism, president Barack Obama last night declared a thumb war. In an historic speech outside the white house the President stood fast behind the podium and began to count. The silence from the world’s press was audible.
This is the first time that a President has publicly evoked a war of digits since Woodrow Wilson wagged a finger at German chancellor Theobald von Bethmann-Hollweg in 1914. This event is widely regarded as the catalyst for world war one.
Certain parts of the media were quick to condemn this war as an act of aggression with far reaching consequences, though to most people the reach appeared to only be about 4.6 inches.
This event comes after much controversy in the middle east about the use of chemical weapons. It is alleged that that Syrian president Bashar Hafez al-Assad pointed an extended index at his own people, asking them to pull his finger. He denies it and claims that syrian rebels supplied it. No matter; whoever dealt it, it is clear that many innocent civilians have smelt it, and the full horrors of what transpired there may never be uncovered.
The President made the case that the "risks for inaction outweigh the risks for action." He also said that he wants Congress to be “a full partner in military action”, though GOP leaders are said to favor a more foot-in-ass strategy. Thumb wars are more limited in range but devastating in effectiveness.
Secretary of State John Kerry, meanwhile, is seeking support from Arab nations. And a nice pair of fingerless gloves.