While many sports' commentators assumed admission prices were determined by what percentage of Gareth Bale's body you owned, it transpires that the revenue needs of Football clubs are index-linked to how many members of the FA may end up incarcerated. In addition, the feel good factor that senior officers from South Yorkshire police might soon be on the receiving end of a well deserved prison sentence has made summers longer, cleared up acne and seen a tenfold increase in smiles.
Despite a year of inflationary transfers, clubs have managed to pass onto supporters a 2.4% discount generated by the unbridled relief that the victims of Hillsborough may see some justice. As one Liverpool fan put it: 'If this is how joyous the nation feels when a cover-up is exposed, imagine how delighted we'll be when someone drop kicks Kelvin Mackenzie into the Mersey?'
One Minister said he was grateful that the Thatcher cabinet would now have an opportunity to be exonerated: 'Hopefully this investigation will prove once and for all that the Tories had no connection with those avoidable 766 injuries and 96 deaths. We were far too busy asset stripping the working class, ordering assaults on law biding trade unionists and dishing out civil honours for theft, negligence and molestation'.
The then Chief Superintendent, David Duckenfield, is one of several senior policemen later Knighted for 'services to corruption' who are implicated in the alteration of 116 statements relating to the disaster. A friend explained: 'In the 80s we all did a lot of crazy things. Who didn't get a perm, wear leg warmers or smear witnesses? In the words of Duran Duran - 'Her name is Rio and she dances in a criminally unsafe stadium. And then she's falsely arrested , beaten up..tum te tum tum...' ...er...something like that.'
((Apologies for spelling errors and general naffness...this was composed on a mobile phone. I'm sans PC & internet ATM))