Children's groups reacted angrily to a report published today that suggests a majority of young people have not been affected by crime.
The British Crime Survey covers all incidents that would be technically classified as a crime in law, whether they happened inside or outside the school playground, the living room or in front of the family dishwasher.
"I feel victimised by this survey," said Jack* aged 14 years. "The BCS has not taken into account the emotional damage done to children on a regular basis. F'rinstance, my dad buys his jeans from the Marks & Spencer's Blue Harbour range. They are too short ankle-skimmers and completely the wrong shade of blue. And he wears slip on shoes and towelling socks. He looks like a meth. Some days, I can hardly bear to leave my room."
Gemma*, aged 12, said, "I have to empty the dishwasher, like, every night. It interferes with my quality of life and Hollyoaks. And yet adults shrug this off when it comes to calculating statistics. I mean, it's frigging clear who is the victim here."
A minority of children applaud the latest focus citing an explosion in juvenile crime.
Connor*, aged 8, said, "My sister broke my Buzz Lightyear and I reported it to the police. They gave me a crime incident number and once I find out what insurance is, I'll be making a claim."
Connor's sister Lucy* (7) said in a statement via her solicitor, "I broke his Buzz because he put my Barbie on the barbie. Victim Support have been round three times, but Mum says the grill shelf is ruined beyond repair. Once Barbie cooled down, she didn't look too hot either."
Mick Clegg said he was 'delighted such a common sense approach was being adopted' and that this was indicative of coalition policies, with many more to come.
* Some names have been changed.