BP chief executive Tony Hayward has been hauled before the US Congress, in chains. The haggard Hayward said he was “personally sorry”, but a blow from one of his police guard’s nightsticks silenced him before he could say any more. “Quiet you,” growled the guard turning his head and launching some chewing tobacco into a nearby spittoon.
Congressman Walter Selnak, said, “It was the saddest procession I have ever witnessed. He was shackled at the wrists, waist and ankles, chains dragging as he shuffled through. He seemed bewildered, and sat and listened through headphones to an interpreter. The committee wasn’t sure what language they spoke in England, I guess.”
House committee on energy and commerce Chairman Wilt Whitman told Hayward the American people were prepared to give him a fair hearing before finding him guilty. “By awarding BP contracts to drill in the Gulf of Mexico,” Whiteman explained, “maybe you assumed we were saying it would be ok to have a disaster, so long as it only affected Mexico. Regrettably it isn‘t that straightforward. The disaster actually affected America, and unfortunately in such a public way we can’t just pretend it didn’t happen. You’ve harmed the people of America and caused its government a massive inconvenience.”
Fellow committee member Clement Maylog, added, “When you promised to give us all that lovely sweet oil, don’t you think it would have been a good idea to tell us the rig would explode, spraying toxic crap all over this great land? Had you done so we might have thought twice about taking all that oil we are utterly dependent upon.”
While guards held Hayward between them, dressed in ragged clothes and his face framed by a ragged beard, Whitman said, “You completely ignored warnings and allowed slipshod practices in a manner that would not have been out of place in Wall Street a few years ago. This disastrous British operation has also reflected badly on reputable US companies, like Halliburton.”
Despite being called to give testimony, Hayward barely spoke, and instead listened patiently as the committee went on to accuse him of having once owned a cat, of using ointments and creams; of consulting his horoscope; of having a strange mole on his lower back and of owning a book, which contained the words, ‘Satanist’ and ‘Communist‘. One of Mr Hayward’s team tried to argue that it wasn’t an offence to own a dictionary, but he was dragged out of the court.
Hayward narrowly escaped a prison term, and despite strong calls from the public gallery, is unlikely to face the death penalty. However, the committee ruled he will be fitted with an ankle monitor and deported. Should he attempt to return to the US, the device will detonate.
This evening, US senator Bart Holtzman took a moment out from throwing stones at Hayward‘s hotel room door, to say, “If we can’t burn him, then the least we can do is deport him and his limey buddies back to Canada.”