Researchers at Emory University, US, have discovered that the majority of world’s woes are caused by ‘testicular gigantum’ or ‘big bollock syndrome’ as it is more commonly known. Many individuals (mostly male) have had their emotions, judgement and underwear grotesquely distorted by ‘malicious nut sacks’. Scientists are convinced that culpability for the actions of ‘well-endowed malcontents’ rest firmly with a legion of ‘evil cojones’ and their immoral spermatogenesis.
Bad parenting, promiscuity and unnaturally sweaty jeans have all been linked with ‘over-sized plums’. A recent UN report claims 25% of males in parts of Asia have committed rape, all at the behest of ‘evil knackers’. One Indonesia male said: ‘Originally I assumed I was at fault for my acts of sexual violence. But now I feel absolved of all guilt and responsibility. If anything, I shall continue safe in the knowledge that it’s just a medical condition. A bit like athletes foot – if the athlete in question also liked to molest women.’
Naturally discovery of this menacing biological imperative has generated unwelcome publicity for innocent individuals, as is apparent in the decline in sales of Jackson Pollocks’ artwork, Horlicks and lithographs of the James Corden. Even pronouns have been revised to include the sequence ‘I Bollocksed - She Bollocksed – We Michael Goved it’. As one scientist explained: ‘This issue is the hairy bollock in the corner of the room. We need to face up to it and grab it by the yam bag’.
National help lines and counselling services are being offered to any individual suffering from ‘sinister gonads’. Fortunately many contemporary mysteries can now be resolved in the face of these pendulous, mind-controlling nads. The recession can be blamed on the financial sector ‘dropping a bollock’, Syria’s chemical stockpiles are merely ointment to treat President Assad’s ‘scrot rot’ and Ed Miliband’s policy reticence is due to ‘throat testicles’.