Kenyan MPs have voted for a motion to prevent the International Cricket Council (ICC) from prosecuting President Uhuru Kenyatta for mass murder and the forcible eviction of over half a million people. ‘First of all, we refute the charges,’ said a spokesman for Deputy President William Ruto. ‘But secondly, how does a cricket board get jurisdiction over The Hague?’
The initial confusion started several years ago when the International Criminal Court (ICC) inadvertently sent a batch of their new stationery to Lord's Cricket Ground. A spokesman for the cricket governing body explained: ‘Our first reaction was to return the letter heads, but then we thought – why not give it a go? Kenya is an Associate Member of the African Cricket Association, so we felt we had the authority and a moral obligation to do something. And after all, the complexities of international law are not so dissimilar to the LBW rule’.
The Kenyan National Assembly says that a ‘lawfully elected’ President cannot be held accountable to the Rome Statute on international crime or by the comments of Geoff Boycott. A Kenyan official protested: ‘How can umpires enforce international law just by waving their arms around? How accurate will ‘hot spot’ be in detecting genocide? And is a slow-over rate penalty sufficient in the case of war crimes? However,’ he said, ‘we are willing to accept punishment by the International Chess Club. This will involve ‘no quoting from Star Trek’ for a month, a ‘slight tightening’ of our orthodontic retainer and not being able to attend ‘Dungeons and Dragons camp’ this year’.