Reports are coming in from the Isle of Wight’s state teletext service, that a brutal civil war is breaking out on the normally docile island.
It seems that gangs of Morris Dancing Militia men brandishing bells and sticks have been involved in clashes with Local Government dust men. The Militia which is aligned with self styled generalissimo Barry Bonds of the Shanklin Separatists Organisation, have been reported to have seized the islands telegraph station and has sent a telegram proclaiming independence from Europe.
In the islands capital Newport, the under siege mayor Peter White denied that his bin men forces were using chemical weapons on civilians, claiming to reporters that they were just using disinfectant on wheelie bins in the street.
As the crisis escalates, a resolution in the United Nation in Geneva to send peace keepers was vetoed by Italy who have their own historic claims to the island ,which was named Vectis since Roman times by Latin speaking scrap metal dealers and has vowed to supply the local council with Fiat Pandas should America take sides with the breakaway rebels.
Tensions have further been inflamed when President Obama who has refuted he is not just responding to claims that American geologists have found oil off the coast of Ryde, has stationed two aircraft carriers in the Solent causing severe disruptions to cruise ships. Buoyed by this news the separatists mounted a blockade of Cowes harbour with requisitioned pedalos raising fears that next years Cowes week may need to be moved by a fortnight.
An emergency vote was held in Parliament and a motion of Apathy was passed by the house. Afterwards Labour leader Ed Miliband told reporters “While we hope for a peaceful resolution to the emergency, we don’t want our troops involved in another far away place that doesn’t vote Labour and I don’t go on holiday to”.
In statement to the house Prime Minister David Cameron told a packed commons that he accepted the people’s wishes and its feeling about the uncertainties of the use of disinfectant in the conflict, but issued a chilling warning that if the Isle of Wight council use Cilit Bang on its population they would have crossed a purple line.