The Secretary of State for Transport, Patrick McLoughlin, today ordered motorists not to crash.
He said: 'This government is determined to stop car crashes. The one on the Sheppey crossing was a direct result of Labour's failed policy of allowing motorists to crash if they want to. And also as a result of their reckless spending policy, probably. Anyway, this government is determined to stop things like that happening again. So as from today I am ordering motorists not to crash or have accidents, but to drive nicely and smile all the time.
'Hey, talking of car crashes, I'm looking forward to watching Strictly on Saturday!'