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andhrimnir
offlineMember
You have until sometime GMT Wednesday 23 June to incorporate "campanologist" into a sub in this thread.
Extra points will be awarded for legitimate associated phrases and technical terms such as "ring of twelve". Points might be deducted for blatant homophobia. If you write something really funny, feel free to post it in the other room too.
So, set to with "CAMPANOLOGIST".
Svendo
offlineMember
Group of Campanologists found guilty of beating a Morris Dancer to Death.
The jury heard that during a scuffle at the Witcombe-on-the-scold folk and craft fair, the morris man was set upon by an angry mob of bell-ringers.
John Harris from Morecambe-Wise solicitors, acting as defense council pleaded manslaughter as once the intial punches and kicks were thrown the ringers couldnt stop until they had completed the round.
QorbeQ
offlineMember
Catholic priests 'very keen' after call for young campanologists
The Archbishop of Westminster has called for younger bell-ringers following claims that Britain's church bells could soon fall silent if their reduction continues unabated.
Vincent Nichols, Head of the Roman Catholic Church in England and Wales, has issued the 'fresh meat' plea following a three month study, showing a sharp campanology decline in churches nationwide. 'All of my priests say that we need more youngsters in our churches, and they tell me the younger the better,' said the Archbishop. 'Apparently the younger children are eager to please, more malleable, untainted -- almost virginal if you will.'
Leading campanologist Trevor Sayce has had little success with the very young children that the Archbishop seems to favour, citing the 'pretty insurmountable problems' of their generally poor musical co-ordination, spindly muscles and lack of bodyweight. 'I had half a class of eight-year-olds dangling off the rope for the tenor bell and they could barely start it off before ending up in a heap on the floor,' he said. 'I told them to piss off and come back when they were less crap.'
He has since tried encouraging older children and young adults to learn the dying art, but has had difficultly finding interested teenagers during his evening strolls through his local park whilst pretending to be walking a dog. 'I did find one bunch of lads who seemed thoroughly excited, what with all their irrepressible giggling at the very mention of bell ends and dongers,' said Trevor. 'Unfortunately they struggled to complete even one round without finding their low-slung jeans hitting their ankles.'
'I really wasn't bothered at their state of undress, but they seemed quite embarrassed at the predicament,' he said. 'Personally I found that an odd reaction, given that they had their pants provocatively on show from the moment they arrived, but it was nice to discover that even brusque teenagers can easily be brought to blush. Things turned nasty when our vicar gave them the helpful suggestion of wearing a cassock, or even a nice pleated skirt. We were both quite shocked when we ended up with heavy bruising and some internal injuries.'
Trevor says that he found the whole experience traumatic and is now refusing to teach anyone under the age of thirty. 'I've well and truly learned my lesson,' he said. 'That's the last time I try getting as far as a touch with teenage boys!'
edward hack
offlineMember
MP's to wear sponsors 'ball-caps'
In an effort to ease the financial burden of running Parliament, it has been agreed by parties on both sides of the House that MP's will in future, be allowed to wear baseball caps featuring their sponsors logo - but only during Prime Ministers Questions.
Cynics say the move will diminish the dignity of office, pointing to the humiliation suffered by racing driver Lewis Hamilton having to wear his sponsor’s gaudy jump suit hours after an F1 race is over when all he wants to do is get off home. Although to be fair to the sponsors, it doesn’t happen very often these days.
Experiments carried out on lemmings has proved beyond doubt that baseball caps serve no useful purpose in life whatsoever, other than to make the wearer look like a complete and utter minger. Even if they are actually playing baseball at the time.
The wearing of a ballcap is regarded by most reasonably sane people as being in the same league as wearing rock-star sunglasses indoors - at night – and even more demeaning than being exposed as an enthusiastic cross dressing campanologist who likes to bum his granny. Although it is unclear as to whether that might just refer to being an MP
Political analyst Andrew Marr threw his weight behind the argument opposing the ball-cap in typically dismissive manner.
‘There is nothing more demeaning than a cricketer who has just scored a double century, hitting a six off the final ball to win the Ashes then having to conduct an interview, grovelling for the cameras with his face buried inside an 'npower' baseball cap.
You wouldn’t catch me wearing one....it would just make me look ridiculous.
Pro ballcap wearers were quick to point out that simply being in the same room as a baseball cap would make Marr look ridiculous.
Not that they needed to – obviously.
Mrblacker
offlineMember
Elspeth McNulty - an obituary
Elspeth McNulty was a one-off. Train driver, pilot, Octopus sexer and politician (Lower Bavaria 1933-45) she was the darling of the British establishment and spanish practicers for decades.
Born in Whitby, she was sent to her grandmother's in Surrey to 'scare the old bitch to death'. She received her education at St Agnes' School for fingersmiths and pederasts before being sent up to Oxford.
She was returned 3 days later because of insufficicent postage.
Graduating from The Murray College of Mints in 1929, she moved with her husband to Berlin, where she captivated Adolph Hitler with her ability to do impressions of Le Petomane and was duly elected as the Reichstag's member for Bavaria.
During World War II, she campaigned relentlessly for The Werhmacht to use environmentally friendly bullets and for the SS to mind their language when torturing people.
After her release from an allied camp in 1946, she re-invented herself before entry to british society, passing herself off for 10 years as Sir Len Hutton.
But it was as the non-ringing captain of the British Campanologist Squad in the 1970's that she won the adulation of the public, when she led the squad to the Golden Pull for 3 years running.
But that was the high water mark of her career and bath; in the 1980's she slipped into obscurity and then into a tub of custard, when the Daily Telegraph revealed that she had not played cricket for Yorkshire.
She spent her last years living in Sir Peter Viggars' Duck House.
She was found drowned last night after being evicted by a particularly aggressive mallard.
ramblesnake
offlineMember
From what I can remember of a recently repeated Round the Horne:
Mr Horne speaking,
"The girl introduced herself as Maureen Clapper. The name rang a bell. Ah yes, I remembered, she was from that very famous family of most excellent athletes. No one could run like the Clappers."
la maga
offlineMember
After weeks of agonising, Ashford resident Jamie Poley last night came out as a campanologist to the girl he has been dating.
"I think it went fine," he said later to a friend. "I mean, it was obviously a shock to her. To be honest I think she already thought I was a bit boring and it didn't do anything to change that impression, but really, it was fine. I mean, she didn't get up and leave or anything."
When asked for details he admitted. "She did ask why I do it. I mean, she's quite conventional and she didn't quite understand why a healthy twenty-four year old man would do such things. But I'm used to that. I wish she'd been able to pronounce 'campanologist' though. Not that it matters or anything."
The two have as yet no plans for a further date, though Jamie plans to send a cautious exploratory text after bell-ringing practice on Tuesday.
MrChigleysAunt
offlineMember
Bellringer Beryl goes like the clappers.
Yes, popular local campanologist Beryl Braithwaite is fund raising again this year. This year Beryl will be attempting to applaud for 48 hours non-stop, in aid of SPOGS the Society for the Protection of Grebes - a charity close to Beryl's heart since her Grebe, Barry died last year. Beryl has only recently shaved off the moustache she grew in aid of prostate cancer last autumn.
So come along and support this worthy cause by giving Beryl a clap at the village hall. Starts Monday 5th at 7am sharp.
Svendo
offlineMember
No Ding Dong, The Winch is Dead!
Silence has descended over the village of Whimbrel on Twye today as distaster struck during the restoration of the churches belfry. The main bell known as "The Bigge Donger" was being lifted back into place after strengthening work on the church roof and tower, when the main cable of the winch snapped leaving the bell lodged halfway.
The age of the structure combined with the weight of the bell was causing the tower to droop slightly and so work needed to be done to keep it erect.
Bell Expert Jeremy Spunger commented "The bell was much wider than the shaft and so it is now lodged fast. We'll have to be very careful as the opening is finely tuned and in a chime this old it will be easily knocked out. They take hours to correct and my wife has often been up all night helping me work with a very sensitive bell end".
Local resident Jim McTavish said "Thank fuck, I can have a lie in next Sunday".
Svendo
offlineMember
Birmingham Police Launch Bells For Knives Campaign
In an effort to reduce knife crime The Birmingham Metropolitan Police force is introducing a scheme where youths can swap a dangerous street knife for a brass hand bell. This is being incorporated into Birmhingham Councils "Hoodies to Goodies" program running all through 2010.
It is hoped that with the introduction of the handbells rival gangs will exchange ringing the changes for violent drug fuelled warfare.
Chief Supt. Sir Henry Wittington-Jjones hopes this will also produce a new generation of campanologists eager to participate in worldwide competions such as the prestigious Bell for Europe.
"For once I'm glad that when I see gangs of happy-clappers they'll be talking about campanology and not assualt on the general public".
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