It will be seen as no coincidence that on the same day it was revealed that Parliamentary annual porn consumption reached 300,000 hits, that the general trade union has chosen to cut its Labour donation from £1.2m to £150,000. A spokesman for GMB said: ‘Our members are no longer willing to subsidize bass guitar lessons, the constant Googling of fetish clothing and an £84 a day ‘weed habit’’.
As to which member of the Front Bench is addicted to illicit browsing is unclear, but Douglas Alexander is rumoured to favour 'tough love', the ‘three line whip’ and a ‘firm seeing to’ by Black Rod. It has also been alleged that Andrew Burnham has remortgaged his house to purchase a ‘honey magnet‘ Porsche 911, Stephen Twigg has fallen under the spell of a ‘Latvian lap dancer’ and that Yvette Cooper and Ed Balls have acquired matching ‘spider tattoos’. Understandably various party grandees such as Dame Tessa Jowell are ‘incandescent with rage’ that the Shadow Cabinet has regressed to some teenage state.
Ed Miliband, who has just returned from his ‘gap yah’ trekking the Himalayas, dismissed the suggestion that Sadiq Khan and Jim Murphy had quit the party months ago and were on an extended motorbike holiday. While the GMB claim that a long summer of inactivity and an alarming prostate examination had caused Labour to ‘question its life style choices’, restructure party funding and take up ‘hemp weaving’. In response, a spokeswoman for the Deputy Leader Harriet Harman said: ‘She just wanted to adopt a cat, you know? She’d reached that stage. Yoga wasn’t doing it for her. The kids had left home. And she just said, why not? Why not? Oh, she’s also getting a genital piercing. Cool, huh?’