Neuroscientists at St. Mary’s Hospital Paddington were astounded yesterday when Cardiff bricklayer Gareth Williams finally regained consciousness after a terrible head-kicking last weekend, and failed to utter a single word in a foreign accent.
Leading brain consultant Colin Hunter explained “Mr. Williams was in a chemically-induced coma for six days following his assault, which is more than enough time to acquire the basics of an arbitrary Scandinavian or Indochinese dialect. And, yet,when he awoke he elected to thank hospital staff in the style of fellow Welshman Richard Burton or that Siadwell bloke from Naked Video. Frankly, it’s a complete mystery and it has the best boffins at St. Mary’s confounded.”
The mystery deepened when Gareth Williams discharged himself from hospital and got on a train to Newcastle.
“I never been to Wales in my life, see,” said Mr. Williams in Cardiff vernacular. “It’s them damned sheep, I tell you. They look at you funny, isn’t it.” He went onto add that “Away noo, ahm gannin te the booza fre a pint,” in a somewhat unconvincing Geordie accent.
Mr. Hunter suspects that Williams has perhaps skipped Foreign Accent Syndrome and moved straight on to Partial Valley Denial by Proxy, a condition normally associated with London City traders, Batman actors and the like.
It has long been suspected that Education Secretary Michael Gove is a mild sufferer of Foreign Accent Syndrome, because he has been speaking pure bullshit since adolescence.