Darren Young, the controversial new marketing guru for the World Wildlife Fund, has told earth's disappearing species that they need to raise their game, or face oblivion.
Speaking at the WWF's annual general meeting, Young said that animals should heed the wisdom of the IT industry. "When the going gets tough, the smart species adapt. If Lou Gerstner can do it with IBM, there's no reason why Pandas and White Rhinos shouldn't get off their butt and leverage their core competencies."
The threat to the environment of the polar bear is not a problem, said Young, it's an opportunity. "Brown bears have learned to eat garbage, wrestle in circuses and dance. But the legacy polar bear refuses to learn new operating systems and they're committed to the snow platform that's fast going out of fashion."
Young had little sympathy for those who complain about the destruction of the Coral Reef. "You can't stand in the way of progress just because we've always done it that way," said Young. He told a story, taken from his new business book, about a man at his old company who used to loiter around the kitchen making himself a cup of tea, while all the cool guys were gathering round the water cooler,sharing tips on how to interact with cool brands. One day, the man was sacked and his possessions thrown into a bin bag. "And you know what? Nobody cared," said Young, "because he'd let himself wander off trend."
Many of the same principles apply to the animal kingdom, said Young. "Nobody cares if chickens take a kicking, because they're not cute, they're not cool and their songs suck. if they don't get some decent PR they'll be the next to go."
Some WWF traditionalists were not impressed, but modern thought leaders were impressed. "The guy is a cool brand, and a theatrical tour de force who captures the zeitgeist with engaging content," said the Daily Telegraph's Emma Barnett.