Millions of people from Shanghai to Hong Kong were forced to wake up and smell the coffee yesterday breakfast time, after it emerged that Vodaphone had sold the US telecoms business Verizon for all the tea in China. The deal has meant massive unrest on both the beverage and metaphors market. Analysts are still grappling with “literalising” the fiscal value of all the tea in China, as container ships stand by in major Chinese ports, ready to carry the nation's tea-totality direct to shareholders’ teapots round the world.
“It’s a massive gamble”, said Mike Smitherst of hot drink and investment bank DeLoitte Lemon. “The knock on effect on the milk and sugar industries could cause chaos.” Hot chocolate prices are said to be “liquid”. Soup manufacturers, too, may be affected and are monitoring stock markets round the world.
Meanwhile the Spanish monarchy was shook by rumours that Real Madrid was willing to pay a “King’s Ransom” for Gareth Bale. Historians and economists ran complex algorithms to quantify the value of the Real violent kidnap of King Juan Carlos, King of Spain. But with Spain still facing financial meltdown, a wealthier King was sought for abduction.
It’s understood there was initial debate about guaranteeing grisly removal of major Hispanic royal body parts, to be "drip fed” to major European media outlets. Kidnap assessor Jean Smythe said “A story about football, money, and severed royal genitalia would sell like hot cakes round the world. This might have increased the value of holdings in international news media, making the ransom worthwhile. We ran the figures but they did not reach a cut-off point.”
It’s understood this was because King Carlos was only willing to sacrifice an earlobe to secure the Tottenham striker, with the prospect of cakes only reaching “warm” status. Analysts say the only monarch worth ransoming is the British one, who, as she is not a King, falls outside the metaphorical remit.
Meanwhile economists say they will “move heaven and earth” to create “affordable wealth metaphors suitable for current economic conditions.”