The Almighty has unveiled a new Saturday night entertainment show to go head to head with the X-Factor and Strictly Come Dancing on his Heavenly TV channel.
"I've listened to the prayers of disgruntled worshippers tired of the nonsense that passes for fun on a Saturday night. The smoking ban and rising prices of alcopops has stopped people from going out and they're frankly aghast at what awaits them at the weekends. I'm convinced that growing levels of depression are affecting church attendances. Anyway, it's going to be great. We've got Jacobs doing the music, Frost returning to satirical comedy and Heaney's on board for the arts. There might be a few more surprises before we go to air so watch this space!"
Simon Cowell and Bruce Forsyth declined to comment when contacted earlier today.