New Manchester United supremo Hannibal Lector has got it all - psychological insight and a fearsome will to win that makes him stop at nothing, say his delighted new bosses.
The new manager was unveiled to the press yesterday, following the mysterious and unexplained disappearance of David Moyes, who many thought was settling into his job nicely. Insiders say that though Moyes was respected within the game and known as a strict disciplinarian, Lector is a man the players would really fear.
"Nobody sneaks out to the hotel bar at midnight when they're on tour with Hannibal Lector," said one security guard, who knows the controversial psychologist well, "mind you, nobody dares to sleep either."
Lector has impressed the Man United board with his ability to really get under the skin of players. His talent for mind games surpasses even those of Jose Mourinho and Alex Ferguson, according to those who have worked with or studied Lector. But it's his assessment of the human condition of his players that is most valuable.
"You still wear that cheap aftershave you wore when you visited your daddy in prison," he told one Brazilian starlet. "You never left the favela and still hear your mummy screaming, don't you?" he continued, before adding, "now let's give it 110 per cent and don't give away any more sloppy goals this half."