As this week sees the school holidays draw to a close, and with the run-up-to-Christmas advertising campaigns now only a matter of days away, news that a recent survey has shown overwhelmingly what every 9 year old girl wants this Yuletide, will come as welcome relief to those parents, who for the past couple of years, have struggled desperately to find the perfect gifts for their little princesses.
According to the survey, conducted by MediaPaedia, the world's leading authority on child trends, girls of the once difficult to buy for, 8 to10 demographic, have expressed categorically that what Santa must bring them this Noël, is a pair of perfectly formed, fully grown boobs.
“Barbies and iPads are like so last year,” said nine year old Apple Blossom from Maidstone, in her matching hot pants and crop-top. "I got rid of my dolls house when I was like three and I was like five when got my first iPhone! I've got to get a pair of boobs this year. Keeley Cheaks [classmate] will be so jealous" explained the half-adult.
Meanwhile, Sheppey mother of twin girls, Holly Sweet said, "This is fantastic news. Mine are at that awkward age where it’s hard to know what to buy them. A personalised sweetie jar? Or a Rimmel London gift pack?" She continued, "They've been wearing bras now for the last year or so, so having some boobs to fill them makes perfect sense."
In response to the survey's findings, it's expected that department stores across the nation will clear their shelves of 'traditional childhood dreams' like bikes, puppies and ponies, and restock them with the more up-to-date versions of what today's young girls really want. Gifts such as 'Teeny Tattoos - not just for Christmas but for life', 'Babes Body Piercing Kit - add 10 years and pierce more than your ears', books such as, 'How To Achieve Minor Celebrity Status' by former Big Brother contestant, Chardonnay Sharonn, and even fragrances like ‘L’eau Stinnocence – smell like your mother with just one smother’.
And of course, there’ll be the strap-on boobs or ‘Fakey Shakeys’ as they’re likely to be called, all available at your nearest retail pleasure dome.
For those parents with a bigger purse however, there’s likely to be the option to go for plastic surgery, although watchdogs are already warning of the more ‘unscrupulous’ practices offering 2-for-the-price-of-1 deals.
“Where does this leave the nine year old boys?” asked one national newspaper, “They couldn’t give a toss," said MediaPaedia, "or at least not for the next couple of years or so.”