Rolf Harris, Dave Lee Travis and a host of other celebrities who have been, or will be, arrested for abusing girls in the 1970s and 1980s, are to be questioned by the leading detective of the time, DCI Gene Hunt.
DCI Hunt said today: 'I'm looking forward to a little chat with our celebrity friends, one at a time. Just them and me, togather, in a little room, having a chat. I hope they don't slip on the concrete stairs down to the room, or accidentally bang their heads on the concrete walls. And if it gets a bit muggy in there, they'll get some fresh air by sticking their head out of the window. It doesn't open, so I might have to help them get their heads through the glass.
'It all helps them to think clearly when they sign their confessions, which Alex Drake has typed out for me in advance. Of course, typing isn't the only reason why we employ women in the force - they make the tea as well.
'Now I know what you're thinking - it sounds like police brutality. I've only got one thing to say about that - lots of it, pal!'