The English cricket team has today issued an apology for the manner of their comprehensive 3-0 Ashes victory over the Australians.
‘We now accept that in urinating over the Australian cricket team, often at great heights, we have brought the game into disrepute,’ said a statement from the England and Wales Cricket Board. ‘In hindsight, it would have been more gentlemanly not to conduct ourselves in this way and to make the series more competitive.’
Observers of the series have pointed to the Australian batting collapse at Chester-le-Street and the entirety of the Lord’s Test as prominent examples of the England players repeatedly relieving themselves over their Australian opponents.
In light of the England players’ behaviour, the authorities concluded that an open-top bus celebration of the Ashes victory ‘probably wasn’t a good idea’.