The Council for Badgers has officially granted the culling of thousands of humans this week amidst fears that the species are 'systematically ruining the countryside with litter and air pollution'.
About 5,000 humans are expected to be killed in 'controlled attacks' over six weeks in Somerset and Cornwall - said to be popular spots for 'ignorant holidaymakers', who routinely toss used condoms, empty lager cans and disposable barbecues in hedgerows and fields.
Head of the Council for Badgers, Mr. Badger, known by many as a social recluse in the famous Wind in the Willows story, says he gave the nationwide cull the go-ahead after a report proved conclusively that regular visits from humans to the countryside during the summer months was 'clearly detrimental' to the lives of animals and plants.
'These loud blobby things arrive in giant metal boxes that spit-out toxic black smog and oil, then they proceed to spread their filth across the countryside with empty Pringles tubes and carrier bags. A cull is necessary and we expect it to have a positive impact across the country' said Mr. Badger. 'To those who are concerned, I can confirm that we won't make a dent in their population. I've seen Jeremy Kyle - those things breed like rabbits', he added.