Britain’s high street banks can look forward to billions in compensation after the FCA ruled that the totally useless Protection Insurance for Mis-Selling Totally Useless Financial Products to Customers was mis-sold. Unfortunately they will also have to pay out an equivalent amount for mis-selling their own Protection Insurance for Mis-Selling which they mis-sold to other unsuspecting banks.
A spokesman from Barklays Bank Miscellaneous Problems Department, Frederick Diamond, said that he couldn’t believe it when their legal team discovered the clause which made purchasing the product a complete waste of money.
“Of course we ticked the terms and conditions box, as you do,” he said, “but who reads all the small print? And this clause was well and cleverly hidden half way down the first paragraph. There in black and white it read: ‘On no account will we pay out any money, for any reason, to the policy holiday; even if Hell freezes over.’ It was amazingly similar to the clause in our mis-selling insurance cover but at least we had the decency to hide it in the Never Asked Questions section. That’s the HSBBC for you. It’s getting so you can’t trust your fellow bankers. I sometimes think the public are entrusting their money to a bunch of crooks. Our bank excepted obviously.”
Barklays’s are keen to put the PPI and all other mis-selling scandals behind them. To this end they have launched an innovative scheme to enhance the homes of those taking out a mortgage, while at the same time helping their customers reduce their carbon footprint. By having their houses completely double glazed by the bank they qualify for a 2% reduction in their mortgage rate, deferred for two years, then repaid at an easy to manage 3% monthly. The cost of the double glazing can even be added to the mortgage, for a fee, so homeowners can save pounds on their heating costs while not having to worry about finding a huge amount of cash.
“There’s nothing can go south with this one.” Said the banker Mr Diamond. “Do you want to buy a second hand Audi, brakes have gone but the paintwork’s immaculate."