Following disappointing GCSE results this year, the government has ordered that all exam papers must be marked as A*.
In a press release today, the secretary of state for education, Michael Gove, said: 'These results are dissap - disap - disser - sad. We need to take urgent action before the next election so that we have some good figures to attack Labour with. Actually, don't put that in - put in some guff about wanting to improve students' job opportunities, which is a laugh because there aren't any. And don't put that bit in either.'
Labour's shadow education spokesmanperson, Stephen Twigg, said in his press release: 'These results are abizmul, and very deep ressing. We will improve them when we come to par, and in grease student's chansis of getting jobz. In fact, we ah currantly looking for someone to ishoo ah press rileesis, as I haf to do them myself at the monument.'