David Cameron announced yesterday that Communities and Local Government Secretary Eric Pickles is to be replaced by a hot air hand drier. A spokesman for the Government explained that whilst the hand drier would not approach anywhere near the volume of gases produced in Pickles’ ideas unit, the drier would ‘handsomely suffice’ in terms of the value and usefulness to society of its output. Following Pickles’ initiatives such as the parking on yellow lines, claiming a second homes allowance on a home 37 miles from Westminster, praying in council meetings and restoring costly weekly bin collections, the Government fears that the idiom ‘as much use as a chocolate teapot’ may be replaced with ‘as much use as Eric Pickles’ in the coming weeks.New advice that was to be issued by Pickles included driving with your eyes shut, showering using overdue library books and rolling to work spread eagled around a giant doughnut.
Pickles, who has a great personal interest in ‘regulatory creep’ denied that this obsession had overcome him and that he had become one. Pickles later admitted to be somewhat ‘in the dark’ about what his new role could be, possibly because all the street lights near his homes have been turned off.