As judges Stephen Fry and Peter Tatchell wrap up their adjudication of the international spectacle, seasoned observers were in general agreement on the bigotry championships, i.e. that Britain made a brave show, but just weren't up to the competition. All they could manage was a couple of puce-complexioned UKIP types harrumphing about ginger-beers and the menace of sodomy, with an unconvincing refrain about wasting money on Bongo Bongo land.
But the gasps of astonishment really began to rise from the crowd when Russia brought forth its thundering denunciations of all things pink or pink-tinged, and followed up with a swathe of anti-gay laws, interspersed with bouts of genuine, boot-in-the-face queer-bashing.
However, the real fireworks began with appearance of the Afghan Taliban contingent, calling for the burning of all homosexuals, Jews and women who wear make-up. At this stage, officials became so convinced that they were using banned substances that they felt compelled to physically grab them and hold them down while investigators tried to find the cause of their astonishing powers.
“These Taliban chaps aren't the most liberal types to begin with, but it turns out they were boosting their systems' natural stock of prejudices with intensive reading of the Daily Mail”, said a shocked and scandalised member of the British team. “Leader articles in the morning, followed by a stint of Simon Heffer, then a marathon four-hour trawl through the comment sections of Jan Moir's articles, which left them foaming at the mouth with the blood vessels throbbing on their temples. Absolutely appalling. Trust those bloody goat-shagging rag-heads to cheat like that”.