No.10 was pressed into a humiliating admission, that Scotland Yard detectives have been forcibly detaining Brazilian nationals in an attempt to get 'good upgrades' for FIFA's 2014 football competition. Using the Schedule 7 loophole in the Terrorism Act, officers were able to fake abusing David Miranda's human rights while in reality trying to charm him into releasing 'tickets for the Final'.
Under the guise of national security, sixty one thousand aircraft passengers were detained last year in an effort to 'weasel out' front row seats for the B*Witched reunion. Civil liberties activists have become increasingly alarmed that law enforcement officials have been abusing their position to monopolise 'must have' tickets. Suspicions were raised in February when a heightened security alert coincided with bookings for 'The Book of Mormon' going online.
It took several hours for the truth to emerge that this was not connected to the fugitive Edward Snowden. Ironically Mr Miranda's own partner, Glenn Greenwald, did not at first realise the true significance of events; as like most Guardian journalists he refused to read the sports' pages. Even the US Government, which although informed, expressed no interest in the game of 'soccer'.
Initial fears that the Miranda detention was a mistaken crack down of 'bland sitcoms', was soon dispelled. The Home Office confirmed that Theresa May will stop at nothing to acquire a backstage pass for the Red Hot Chili Peppers in 2014. While rumours that Sir Chris Hoy has been waterboarded for his allocation of tickets to Glasgow's Commonwealth games have not been denied. As one Officer confessed: 'Ignoring civil rights is so much cheaper than paying £200 to watch England get knocked out in the first round'.