Egg peltee Ed Miliband has launched a scathing, unprovoked attack on both eggs and northerners in the wake of reports of a stark north-south divide in cancer rates.
Rather than use Cancer Research UK's findings to lambaste the coalition and the NHS, it seems Miliband has seized it as an opportunity to criticise "vulgar, sub-Victorian northerners and their ever increasing egg baskets." Miliband said "I have been up north on at least three separate occasions, two of those were definitely north as I had the window seat and I saw the signs on the motorway. We all know eggs contain a large amount of cholesterol and yolk and the two combined invariably lead to cancer. Whilst driving through Liverpool almost every person was eating an egg, some were frying them at the bus stop using those quaint little gas stoves we use in the Boys Brigade. I could not believe what I was seeing, as soon as I was back in London I contacted the egg advisory council to advise of the egg consumption epidemic and they told me to calm down."
In some medical circles, eggs are suspected to be carcinogenic ovals, particularly when they are enjoyed with burnt toast or a cigarette. There is very little empirical evidence to support this theory but it is estimated that 97% of cancer sufferers, both alive and dead, indulged in at least one egg during their lifetime. The spurious nature of the evidence is causing concern amongst Labour backbenchers, many of whom believe Miliband is losing his fragile grip on reality.
The attack has come as a surprise to many as Milibands egging took place in Southampton, subsequently casting doubt over Miliband's geographical knowledge. A party aide said "I think Ed might have been under the impression that Southampton is in the north of England and its name is one of those ironic, misleading ones such as Northampton, Middlesbrough or a silent G." The Cancer Research UK statistics show a significant geographical difference in cancer incidence and mortality rates, however aside from the expression 'a bad egg' there is nothing in their findings to support Miliband's accusations.