A Modest Proposal
For Preventing the Good and Honourable Teachers and Lecturers of the United Kingdom
From Inflicting a Burden Upon their Country and its Children, and
For Resolving the Economic Crisis
It is a sad and sorry state of affairs in which our good country now rests; where once we ruled the world, now we cannot even travel through the streets without witnessing the masses of the uneducated youths wandering the streets, threatening the elderly and the weak, causing terror wherever they pass. These youths have failed to utilise what society has given them to its truest extent, instead shunning education and sinking into a drunken depravity which is both awful and terrifying to equal extents.
It is well agreed by all that this state of affairs must change. These children of the poor, drug riddled as they are must be reformed, and the current methods, as suggested by our inspirational education secretary, Michael Gove, are certainly working wonders and improve the system every day. But these leaps and bounds suggested by Mr Gove are not enough for whilst they may work within a decade, I believe that any man, woman or child who is able to resolve this problem before the year is out would be deserved of the fullest and greatest national celebration we have ever seen.
The first way to begin to resolve our problems would be to resolve the problem of the youth. There are currently over 20 million people aged under 25 in the UK, of those, only 4.3 million are eligible to work with many of them instead choosing to slack off, remaining unemployed for years, posing a huge strain on the economy. This means that over a quarter of the population is currently out of work or in education, even if we only include the youths. The cost of educating so many is truly astronomical, and this is apparently also wasted spending as those between 18 and 25 years of age are only rarely utilising their education to its fullest extent.
The second issue which would be required to have been solved in order to resolve the economic crisis we are currently trapped deep within whilst also giving Britain a sound economic future, is that of the teachers. At the current time, there are over 500,000 teachers and lecturers employed by the education system in the UK. These are all paid from state funds, and whilst Mr Gove has been successful in cutting their pay down to more realistic levels where they do not have a single penny more than they require whilst also increasing working hours, this can be done yet further.
The question of what to do with this now substantial group of over 21 million people upon is a large one. They cost us millions to feed, pay and clothe. At the current time, this group has demonstrated itself as being useless to society; the youth do not wish to be educated, the teachers are therefore unable to teach. This situation must be resolved.
My solution is a simple one: abolish the teaching profession. All teachers will be removed from their roles within the year, to be replaced by the pupils from the year above those who form the students of the class to be taught. In this way, the education of students costs almost nothing whilst the school buildings are still to be utilised as prisons, finally putting the ridiculous security measures in place to good use. In this way, the education of students could still be achieved, but with a few minor changes to the curriculum.
Since the rise of labour following the Second World War, our empire has crumbled and now it is merely a lifeless husk. My proposal leaves us with a huge number of youths without employment or costly education to attend and therefore, I propose that these children be drafted into the army at age 10 for compulsory military service for a minimum of 25 years. This would give Britain a huge standing army of well-trained grunts with unquestioning loyalty to the state, a generation trained from very early days through the secret subliminal mind control system known under the code name ‘Call of Duty.’ This state funded program has given all children above the age of 7 military knowledge that will keep training costs of the new generation of warriors cheap and palpably easy. And, with these unquestioning and unflinching warriors, we shall march on the world and reclaim what was rightfully ours.
In order to lead this mindless horde, we require an officer class, one which will be supplied by retaining the private sector of education. It is a well-known fact that money is a clear indicator of genius running in families. Therefore, this officer class can be supplied by the richest in the country as they must theoretically also be the smartest. With this army, we shall march on the world.
Also, for those unsuitable to being drafted into the army, I propose that they be used for training purposes. They should be hunted and used as targets within drills to accustom troops to the art of war, also providing entertainment to the ruling elite who would be able to witness this spectacle from the comfort of their own homes, witnessing the power of the army and its efficiency as they hunt down their prey.
And now, you ask, how does this solve the economic problem? It is incredibly simple; all countries must begin to pay us tribute, supplying us with arms, raw materials and, more importantly, slaves in order to work in our factories, supporting our armies as they march across the globe in a blaze of glory.
Some would say that such a proposal of almost mindless violence are abhorrent, yet I ask them, has moderate action not already failed? Mr Gove, in all his greatness and infallible wisdom, has attempted to resolve these problems and has yet to succeed; his ideas may have begun to force the teachers to find alternative employment but they are yet to succeed. And, did we not see a riot that threatened to envelop the country only two years ago? Surely therefore the time for moderation is passed, now, it is the time of such ideas as my proposal which I so humbly propose be enacted.
Whilst many believe that my proposal is ‘extremist ravings’, others would say that the proposal is not as harsh as necessary. These people believe that we should see a return to white supremacy in the community, where inferior people should form the basis of this new armed force, used as slaves in our war on the world. I believe that this is not a necessary state of affairs to enter into; extremism has had its time, and why should we deprive ourself of our national unity? All are equal before the bullets of our enemies and so all should be equal in our war, for are we not all British?
Therefore, I do beg that my humble proposal be allowed to be aired, tested, and should it succeed as I know it will, I would demand no reward for to me, it would be reward enough to see my nation succeed as it should. Our upper classes would lead us in this glorious revolution to take back British sovereignty, leading the uneducated slave class formed of the youths and intellectuals of today. And when our victory is finally complete, I ask for no reward other than that my name be remembered, that I be elevated to this ruling class, that my name be written down, my likeness created in marble and statues raised in my honour to remind the people of this country of their saviour, who saw through the corruption of education and was able to deduce a clear and true path to greatness, built upon the backs of the useless and illiterate youth.