Research has suggested that the shortage of provision for mentally ill patients may be the result of large numbers of people being sectioned for “not liking football”.
“These people need urgent help,” said a nurse at one psychiatric ward. “Some of the cases are really frightening. We showed one patient the video of Manchester City winning the league in 2012, which anyone in full possession of their critical faculties would obviously consider to be the most entertaining event of all time, but they just started chucking stuff at the TV and shouting that there was no hope for humanity when oil money can buy anything.”
There are fears that the problem is getting worse as the new Premier League season approaches, and the Health Ministry warned people to be on the look-out for tell-tale signs. “If anyone you know suggests cancelling their season ticket or Sky subscription, shows irritation at being bombarded by all the adverts - except the BT ones of course - or can’t give you an up-to-date report on the current state of the Wayne Rooney transfer saga, seek immediate professional help,” said a spokesman, who gave his name only as G. Neville. “Watch out also for hints that people enjoy doing other things with their free time. In the last week we’ve had to section the entire audience at the Royal Albert Hall for not engaging in a single racist or homophobic chant all evening, and we’ve also seen several patients blathering on about how brilliant Stuart Broad is when the old ball starts reverse-swinging and he gets his length right.”
“And of course, any sane person would be well aware that there are 116 Premier League games exclusively live on Sky Sports this season, more than ever before, as well as games from the many hundreds of other competitions we have rights to.”