Moscow has banned imports from the Ukraine's main confectionary makers, Roshen, claiming that there were trace elements of 'glee and delight' in their buttercream-like filling. Russian homophobia has been particular pronounced since Vladimir Putin's sweet tooth led to the President being photographed, earlier this month, 'balls deep' in a 'Kyiv Vechirnij' chocolate, candy dome.
Hundreds of cargo carriages, laden with Celine Dion themed ginger bread and a one hundred kilo Yabluchnyk (shaped like Kylie Minogue's buttocks), are stuck at the border between the two countries. Russian officials have already expressed their concern that the Ukraine is attempting to integrate further with the EU, pluck their eyebrows and 'learn all the songs from Les Mis'.
Moscow psychologists claim that the temptation of Ukrainian meringue could easily sap the nation's rampant heterosexuality. 'Kiev's Karl Marx Confectionery is a hot bed of deviant behaviour, hair straightners and enticing hazelnut delights,' explained one scientist. 'With every delicious bite of their chocolate glaze, innocent Russians move further down the Kinsey scale. The Ukrainian's may have 18 regional languages but they have 34 different words for 'glory hole!''.
The worsening of relations between the two countries could result in a Ukrainian divaesque boycott of the Winter Olympics. Other industries have been dragged by their tastefully co-ordinated lapels into the disagreement. Ukrainian steelmaker, Metinvest, say their 'big, throbbing love-girders' have been turned away at the border. There have been increased customs checks on stewed fruit drinks, military inspired jackets and brown brogues. While Russia continues to restrict gas supplies in the hope that the Ukrainian's will start to wear something thicker to cover 'their tight...oh my god...sooo tight...bodies'.
In Russia it is now illegal to give under-18s information about homosexuality, puff pastry or jam-filled doughnuts. The Foreign Intelligence Service has already erected a gaydar in Red Square to prevent flamboyant outbreaks. Earlier this week, world pole vault champion Yelena Isinbayeva reiterated her position against homosexuality, but as one Freudian analyst said: 'If a career spent vaulting a large phallus wasn't a sign latent lesbianism, I don't know what is'.