Exactly ten years after sitting his exams, unsettled Manchester United and England star Wayne Rooney has finally returned to De La Salle College to collect his A-Level results, to find 'straight A*s' across four subjects, including physics, French, English Literature and Law, opening 'a new world of possibility' away from football.
Claiming he was 'too busy' to collect the results because of regular travelling and intensive training schedules, the 27-year-old father of two has said he was 'pleased but not completely surprised' at the results, which have now opened the door to Cambridge, Oxford and even an international science scholarship with MIT.
'Consider this deceitful if you will, but my public persona, considered by the majority as drab and uncouth, is a simple façade to satisfy media groups who expect me to act in a certain manner', said Rooney. 'An intellectual footballer just doesn't sit right with the red tops. The Sun wouldn't be interested to know about how I calculated the average linear and angular speed of every free-kick taken during the 2011/12 season. They'd rather print a story about me losing my car keys in Toys-Я-Us'.
Newly appointed United chief David Moyes says he is finally able to discuss the real reasons behind the striker's recent lack of desire to play for the club: 'This has nothing to do with money; Wayne is already one of the UK's most wealthy residents after he foresaw the European economic downturn in 2006 and subsequently invested heavily in emerging Asian markets. It's the lack of intellectual stimulation throughout the club that's proving to be Wayne's main concern'.
'As for what's next, I'm keeping my options open', said Rooney from outside his former college in St. Helens. 'I have more to offer the world than great goals and the occasional sex scandal. I've outgrown football, so perhaps I should branch out and explore my real interests, like aeronautics or even renaissance poetry'.