The sacrament of Confession has become so unpopular that priests are now holding churchgoers against their will and beating it out of them, a new investigation has revealed.
One visibly traumatised man, who did not wish to be named, said he dropped in to light a candle at his local church when he was dragged into the confessional and punched.
“They said they had the goods on me for breaking at least three of the Commandments and that we could do it the easy way or the hard way”, he said. “I held out at first, but after two hours of being punched and having a light shone in my face I gave in. In the end I didn't care how many Hail Marys they gave me as penance, I just wanted the beating to stop. By the time I left I'd confessed to two counts of blasphemy and five of self-abuse”, he sobbed.
The Archbishop of Westminster says the Church has always had strict guidelines on obtaining confessions, “but unfortunately there'll always be the few bad apples in the priesthood who use unscrupulous methods”, he said. He denied that priests have a “quota” of sins to uncover each month. He has confirmed that church authorities are exploring the possibilities of videotaping all confessions to prevent abuse. However, this has potential dangers, he admitted: “You can imagine what the Murdoch papers would pay for a recording of Tony Blair's”.