Chief Constable Matt Baggott has said that the only way Northern Ireland can have a peaceful marching season is by sporting a red fluorescent mullet, while wearing a lycra onesie covered in 'mother of pearl' buttons. A spokesman from the Parades' Commission confirmed: 'There are groups in the UK that are always orderly and good-natured. Unless Unionists and Nationalists are willing to camp it up as carroty Pearly Kings and Queens, then they will not be permitted to march.'
After another night of rioting in Belfast, murals of William III and Bobby Sands will be replaced by images of Rylan Clark doing his best 'blue steel'. 'The people of Northern Ireland do not have a monopoly on suffering,' said one Civil Rights campaigner. 'Homosexuals have been discriminated against for two thousand years, 'Gingerism' is real and the people of the East End have had to live with the shame of Danny Dyer'.
'Admittedly Cromwell was a red head, which might be a bit of a touchy subject' admitted one historian. 'But non-sectarian parades are the only option. A little less Ian Paisley a little more Ron Weasley. A little less Gerry Adams a little more Graham Norton. Less paramilitaries, more Chas'n'Dave. If only the Orange Men really were.'